Can You Dig It/Transcript

DIARY: This is Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles, California. It's known only for it's shopping, awful parking layouts and road signs, for some reason.

DIARY: And it's here in the Walk of Style memorial that 12 teams of 2 start their race across the world. This is... Town Attack!

Intro opening

DIARY: Our 12 teams are coming from all around the country, going right here to this statue, where they're going to race for $100,000!

DIARY: However with taxes, and the fact that it's already spent, it's more like nothing.

DIARY: At the end of this race, which is essentially for bragging rights, one team will be crowned victorious. And the other 11 will be left behind. Let's meet the teams as they arrive!

DIARY: Cheese Stick and Coconut, one a news anchor and the other has, no credentials at all.

CHEESE STICK: The news station I work at, Fox News, had one of the story about the many object shows out there. This is the only one that seemed to be recruiting new contestants.

CHEESE STICK: Unfortunately, no one there wanted to go with me, so I had a little.. contest.

COCONUT: Yeah, and it turns out that I won there. Meh, at least it's better than where I normally am.

CHEESE STICK: I don't remember telling you to talk.

CHEESE STICK: Uh... what was that?

HAY BALE: Oh yeah! We need this for the rodeo!

SHERIFF: Come on! Let's see how much more we can steal.

DIARY: Hay Bale and Sheriff, two rodeo directors from Dallas, Texas.

CHEESE STICK: Hey! You give that back!

HAY BALE: Most people underestimate us, all cuz we wanna a large rodeo!

SHERIFF: We're here to prove that were the smarter people to ever come out of Texas.

HAY BALE: We also kinda need that money. No one visits rodeos anymore.

SHERIFF: It seems no one wants to watch bulls kick people's teeth anymore.

KETTLE: Wha- was that not the right entrance?

DIARY: Uh.. Kettle and Old Oak Tree! One escapee from the nearby nursing home, and the other? The potted plant she stole.

KETTLE: Oh, me and Ol' Oakey over here go way back! Like.. almost two-hundred years back! She was my only support, when I lost my darling husband. Isn't that right, Oakey?

Screen pans to Ol' Oakey's close-up.

KETTLE: Oh yeah! We're so gonna win.

DIARY: Most teams are still on a plane here. One of which is Frying Pan and Chef Hat, two chefs meet to a very popular restaurant.

CHEF HAT: Yeah.. my restaurant has been going downhill ever since I kept those lawsuits about, serving my employees in the food. I have to win and to use the money to save my place.

FRYING PAN: Heh, yeah. And I'm the only one dumb enough to go with him!

CHEF HAT: Oh please. It'll be fun!

FRYING PAN: You're right, I guess. I mean, there's worse things to do than traveling the world without paying a thing.

DIARY: Also, here's Soccer Mom and Drum. A mother and son team from a suburb of- You know what, I don't really think it matters.

SOCCER MOM: The name's Tilda West. But most people just called me Soccer Mom. I spend most of my life hauled up in a small house.

DRUM: Hopefully we don't go home early. I want to see everything!

SOCCER MOM: I just hope that there's no eating challenges. I only want my snacks!.

DRUM: Same here!

DIARY: Peridot and Crystal Ball, two girls who seem to predict the future. Seems a little crazy if you ask me.

CRYSTAL BALL: I have the ability to see in the future, so I know everything that's gonna happen during this race.

PERIDOT: We easily have the greatest chance of victory!

CRYSTAL BALL: I knew you were gonna say that.

DIARY: Shako and Guard Flag, two marching band members ready to prove their might. Or maybe just play a sad elimination song.

SHAKO: Lots of people think that marching bands are just for nerds. But it actually takes a lot of effort!

GUARD FLAG: It's time to prove to everyone what marching band people can do!

SHAKO: And we'll sound great doing it!

DIARY: Vinyl and Legwarmer, a married couple completely obsessed with the 80's.

LEGWARMER: My workout videos have prepared me a LOT for this race!

VINYL: Aw yeah! If we win, I'm gonna buy 100s of rubik cubes!

LEGWARMER: And we can solve them all together!

VINYL: Gasp. We have to win!

MONEY BAG: Ugh. It's so disgusting in there.

CHECK: Agreed. Why couldn't we just take a private jet?

MONEY BAG: I just.. don't know

DIARY: Also here by bus is Money Bag and Check, two rich daters from Beverly Hills.

MONEY BAG: Come on. Let's go find a place to take a money bag.

CHECK: Sure. I'll lead the way!

DIARY: Cactus and Bonsai, two election directors used to using manipulations and bribes to get what they want.

BONSAI: I've helped many people get themselves elected as senators, representatives and even more! I'm confident, I could even convince one of these teams to just give up on the race!

CACTUS: There is no possible way we could lose this race.

BONSAI: Everyone should just give up now before they get hurt!

CACTUS: Yeah! Anyone who even THINKS of messing with us, will get what's coming to them.

DIARY: Taiyaki and Paella, two daters testing if their relationship is truly strong to be worthwhile.

TAIYAKI: Paella and I are going through a rough passion scene.

PAELLA: Yeah, it hasn't been fun at all.

TAIYAKI: This race will hopefully bring us closer than ever before!

PAELLA: Or even further apart..

TAIYAKI: There's no reason to be a Debbie Downer!

DIARY: And lastly.. Mascara and Cork, two barflies looking to find in a very... unlikely place.

MASCARA: I've worked as a bartender for almost 6 years now, and still I just don't have much luck when it comes to dates.

CORK: Then maybe you're doing something wrong.

MASCARA: Exactly! I was hoping to find someone interesting on my way to win this race.

CORK: Well, what if you can't?

MASCARA: Then we'll win over $100,000, and I'll spend it on more dates when we get home!

CORK: Great...

DIARY: Now that everyone's here, I can tell you that.. that thing, over there, is a clue box. You're gonna have to dig through it to find each clue. With each clue, at the beginning of each leg, you'll be given some money to use on that leg.

MASCARA: And what happens if we don't use that money?

DIARY: You'll be free to use it on a later leg in the race. Now, in a second, you'll be free to run and grab a clue. Just as soon as I say the magic-

CHEESE STICK: Just shut up and let us race! Please!

DIARY: Alright! But anything you didn't let me say, will most likely cause your elimination.

DIARY: Anyway... on your mark, get set, RACE!

BONSAI: Race to Venice Beach..

HAY BALE: And find your next clue..

MASCARA: Next to the Boardwalk entrance!

DIARY: Venice Beach is a popular L.A. tourist spot, known for people-watching. And the place to buy.. well.. practically everything. Teams will have to race here and find their next clue.

CACTUS: Come on! We can steal first!

CRYSTAL BALL: Let's go Peridot! We got this in the bag!

PERIDOT: If you say so.

CACTUS: Taxi! Where are the taxis?

HAY BALE: *gibberish*

BONSAI: What?

CACTUS: I think we might be in the.. wrong place?

BONSAI: I swear we better not be in last.

DIARY: Most teams are now on their way to Venice Beach. But it seems that two of them haven't really gotten started yet.

KETTLE: Don't worry Oakey! There's no prize for first!

MONEY BAG: Wow. Where did everyone go?

CHECK: Hmm.. I think that thing is a clue.

MONEY BAG: Oh. Maybe we should have gone a bit faster.

CHECK: Who cares? At least we're here now.

CHECK: Ooh! Venice Beach? Ooh, a $100,000? Come on!

TAIYAKI: Huh. We're actually in first!

PAELLA: Great.

HAY BALE: Not for much longer!

TAIYAKI: Are you ready to go dig for buried treasure?

DIARY: Lots of trash gets left on Venice Beach. Some on accident, but most by choice. Teams will have to dig in the sand, search through trash, and try to find their next clue.

PAELLA: Oh, sounds complicated.

TAIYAKI: No, no it doesn't.

HAY BALE: See ya, suckers!

TAIYAKI: Hey! Come on Paella, we CANNOT get 2nd place!

PAELLA: You start digging, I'm gonna go find a beach chair.

MASCARA: Wow! We're on the first teams here!

GUARD FLAG: Come on Shako! We have to pass everyone else.

SHAKO: I think we'll have enough time. It's just a digging challenge.

SHERIFF: You start digging over there, and I'll go over this area.

HAY BALE: You got it!

TAIYAKI: Paella! We're ready to start digging?

PAELLA: No..

TAIYAKI: Ugh.. I guess it's all up to me.

GUARD FLAG: Then it looks like you're doomed.

CACTUS: How on earth.. did she PASS us?

BONSAI: That's not important. We need to get digging.

KETTLE: Come on, Ol' Oakey. Slow and steady wins the race!

PERIDOT: Well.. at least we'll be able to beat someone.

CRYSTAL BALL: That's always a good sign!

CHEESE STICK: Oh. my. god. I cannot find a stupid clue!

COCONUT: Oh! I found something! Oh, no.. wait. It's just a magazine.

CHEESE STICK: Ugh!

LEGWARMER: EEEE!!! I found a clue!

VINYL: Yes! This is better than a Michael Jackson music video!

LEGWARMER: It says to race to LAX, and book one of four flights to.. Bangkok, Thailand?

DIARY: Teams have to race to the LAX International Airport, and board one of four free book flights to Bangkok, Thailand. Each flight leaves in 30 minutes apart. So teams on the first flight will have a huge advantage. While teams on the last flight just might be the ones, fighting to stay in the race!

VINYL: Well then come on! We have to get on the first flight!

LEGWARMER: Let's run!

MASCARA: Oh, you have got to be kidding me. The Crazy Eights are already done! We have to dig faster, Cork!

CORK: I'm trying! It's not going very well though.

VINYL: So which taxi would be the best?

LEGWARMER: They all look a little... expensive. We do need to save our money.

VINYL: True. If we see a cute scrunchie, we're gonna have to buy it!

LEGWARMER: Let's just run instead. I know I got gluts for days!

DRUM: Oh no Mom! We're the last team here!

SOCCER MOM: So.. what? We can still dig even faster than everyone else! I'm sure we'll be able to-

BONSAI: Oh my god I found it! I found it!

CACTUS: Great work, Bonsai. Let's go get first!

MASCARA: Eh.

MASCARA: Ooh! Cork, hurry! We have to beat the Green Party!

CORK: I'm pretty sure that's not their name.

MASCARA: I don't care, we still need to beat them!

CHEESE STICK: Well. There goes first place.

MASCARA: Keep a lookout for the best cab.

CORK: Mascara, I don't think we have very much money left for that.

MASCARA: I don't care! Ooh! That one looks good.

BONSAI: Come on! Just pick a cab!

CACTUS: Fine.. I guess this one will do.

HAY BALE: I hope we somethin' soon.

GUARD FLAG: Yeah. This is getting ridiculous.

SHAKO: *gasp* I found it!- Oh.. it's just a garbage bag.

GUARD FLAG: This beach is soooo gross.

HAY BALE: Yee-haw! I found somethin! Sheriff, hurry!

SHERIFF: Got it!

SHAKO: Uh oh..

GUARD FLAG: Wait.. I think I found something!

SHAKO: Ooh! I got one!

GUARD FLAG: So do I!

SHAKO: Let's just use mine. Throw yours pack in the pit.

GUARD FLAG: Alright.

MONEY BAG: This challenge is so gross!

CHECK: Yeah, I wish it was something less dirty. Kettle! What are you doing?

KETTLE: I'm lookin for buried treasure!

MONEY BAG: I'm not quite sure that's-

KETTLE: I found soggy paper! Woo! I'm gonna show the others!

CHECK: Seriously. Now even Kettle is further than us!

TAIYAKI: Hey Kettle. Where exactly did you find that clue?

KETTLE: Oh! Over in the ocean, there was just a soggy slip of paper in front of me! Ah-ho!

TAIYAKI: Great. Well.. have fun in 1st. (whispering) Stupid old lady...

TAIYAKI: Hey.. uh.. Paella? I'm gonna go search over there.

PAELLA: Okay, I don't care.

TAIYAKI: Okay, fine.

BONSAI: It's been almost 10 minutes! We have to be near the airport by now.

CACTUS: Hey! I think that's Team 80's!

BONSAI: What? Are they walking?

CACTUS: I think so! Hey, driver? Stop here for a second please.

BONSAI: Hey Team 80's! I hope you like last flight!

LEGWARMER: We've been walking for 10 minutes, and we're still closer to the airport than you!

BONSAI: Excuse me?!

VINYL: We're not going to be at the last flight. If anything, we're still gonna get there before you.

BONSAI: Oh you just messed with the wrong team!

LEGWARMER: And you stopped talkin' at the wrong time!

BONSAI: Wha-?

A taxi comes by, and Mascara is heard from over ahead.

MASCARA: Suckers!

BONSAI: Argh! Driver, let's go!

VINYL: Bye!

CHEF HAT: Well.. we're screwed. We have no way of finishing.

FRYING PAN: We just need to try harder than when that food critic was at the restaurant.

CHEF HAT: Yeah, that was a trying. I got a good rating cause I bribed him.

FRYING PAN: Really? Well.. that was, probably for the best.

CHEF HAT: You should try to convince someone to dig for us.

FRYING PAN: It's a little late for that. No one will help us now.

CHEF HAT: Fine..

FRYING PAN: Hey! I think I found something! It's a clue!!

CHEF HAT: Perfect! Come on, let's get to the airport, quickly!

GUARD FLAG: Oh. Hi, Kettle.

KETTLE: Hello there, Sonny Boys!

SHAKO: Uh.. Guard Flag? We're running out of money. We've only got.. $45 left.

GUARD FLAG: What? That taxi was a $5 dollar ride?!

SHAKO: Yep.

HAY BALE: We're runnin' low as well.

SHERIFF: Why don't we just share a taxi?

KETTLE: Sounds good to me!

GUARD FLAG: Alright.

HAY BALE: We're gonna have to find a large cab though.